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DOCTOR DOCTOR CAN'T YOU HEAR ME CALLING CALLING |
posted by jim on 3/05/05
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A man goes into the doctor’s, “Doctor doctor, I’ve got this muffled ear thing, I’m a singer and it affects the quality of my performance.” “Singer eh? In a band eh?” The doctor says, like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons. And he’s pretty much already decided it’s a self-inflicted injury and I didn’t get much chance to explain that these days it was more of a solo acoustic thing and not a band at all, more Ralph McTell than Slipknot, more Katie Melua than Motorhead, because he’s already started to fob me off (ooer). And he’s talking about noise induced hearing loss and he stinks of cigarettes and I want to talk back about cigarette induced cancer, but it’s too late. I’ve got my prescription to squirt stuff up my bugle and I get the bus home. In three months I’ll get another go. He also asked me if I shot, and I presumed he meant heroin or something and said no and then he said, “D.I.Y?” and I was still thinking of class A drug use and said no. Perhaps I should have mentioned that I did some wallpapering a couple of years ago. When I say doctor I mean consultant by the way, those dudes are always thought of as a bit arrogant, they’re always portrayed that way in the hospital based TV shows, which must be based on a certain amount of truth I suppose. If consultants are a bit hoity toity I think it’s because they don’t have to wear uniforms, no white coats for them, every day is non-uniform day for the consultants, every day is mufty day.
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THE TITANIC |
posted by jim on 1/05/05
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It’s when I do this I realise how little of my time I fill with anything worth writing about, I waste so much of my life on Earth.
The gig at The Pleasure Unit ‘Festival of Loud and Quiet’ was a rare trip to the East End for me, it was four in the afternoon and a robbery had just taken place at the chicken shop opposite the venue. About six police cars were at the crime scene and while waiting for my girlfriend to return from the sweetshop with change for the parking machine I saw two blokes taken away in handcuffs, no point or moral to this story, just thought it might spice it up a bit.
Strange gig, the bright sunshine coming through the windows made for an unusual atmos, Kate Winslett’s dad was playing when I arrived, his band http://www.bidgiereef.com were a bit like Ian Dury meets The Pet Shop Boys, they were one of the ‘quiet’ elements of the day. I might have renamed it the ‘Festival of Loud and Quiet and Really Fucking Loud ’ so as to include the DJs.
I think I played ok, people seemed to like it, apart from some of the audience – perhaps some of the younger dudes – who seemed to make a dash for the door as soon as I was about to take to the stage. I was reminded of the time that Jamie Wednesday played a gig at the Rough Trade shop and Alan McGee made a point of standing outside as a protest to us being there.
Big Tim McGill was present with his big new beard. He has since been gradually shaving it off and sending me email pictures of the process. One day it’s Billy Connolly, the next day Don Quixote and Rembrandt etc. He was last seen as Captain Webb – a handlebar moustachioed man but I’m not quite sure who he is.
Noel Gallagher was kind enough to give Carter USM a mench in his NME interview, I couldn’t say for sure whether he was having a go or not, I suspect he was though. I think what’s clear by his comment and also the placing of it at the end of the interview tells us more about the NME than it does about Oasis. All this time and they still can’t get over us, they should seek therapy (not the band) and move on.
Went to another party, this one was on a moored boat on the Thames. It looks a lot more like the Titanic in its photos on the interweb than it does in real life http://www.hmspresident.com although it did have one thing in common with the Titanic, in that I don’t think it could ever call itself unsinkable.
The party was for a friend’s 40th birthday, he’s an agent for the Darkness, by which I don’t mean he works for Satan http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=satan&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi but the high-pitched vocalled rock group
http://www.thedarknessrock.com They were there, as were some of my old acquaintances from my days in the music biz. I had a chat with Morgan from The Senseless Things, now with Gorrilaz and recently Muse, Morgan is a nice bloke, unaffected by hanging out with some of the most famous people in what boybands call ‘the industry’.
I felt a bit left out, I knew quite a few people at the party but nobody recognises me these days, so didn’t talk to anybody. I might get the fringe back, just for social occasions. I was reading an interview with Roddy Frame http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=roddy+frame&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi ex of Aztec Camera, I think we have a lot in common, being relatively successful in a small way and existing off the radar, as the interviewer put it. Like Roddy I’m happy with the way things are but sometimes crave fame’s fickle and filthy fingering.
Sneaked off the boat before it sank into the mud of Vicky Embankment and took a black taxi – the slowest black taxi in the universe – home, it cost thirty pounds. On the journey home the streets seemed to be packed with potential trouble and I wished I lived in a hut somewhere Nordic.
The onboard boat bar by the way was selling Becks at £3.20 a bottle, frightening for somebody who drinks more often in Wetherspoons pubs and is practically a Yorkshireman when buying a drink at a London bar. “Two pounds?? For a pint?!?” that sort of thing.
Busy month approaching.
Don’t know what to wear.
http://images.google.co.uk/images?hl=en&lr=&ie=ISO-8859-1&q=trinny+and+susanna
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My new guitar |
posted by jim on 23/04/05
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Happy birthday William Shakespeare.
Happy St. George’s Day, the campaign for something celebratory to happen on this particular day might be helped if the BNP didn’t choose to announce their manifesto – or The Daily Mail as it’s sometimes called – today.
I did it, I overcame my inner terror and bought a new guitar, it’s the most money I’ve spent on anything for some time. It was a lot less painless than I’d thought it might be, the bloke who served me was friendly and helpful, thanks also to Big Tim McGill for his help. Carrying my new guitar through the crowds of Oxford Street shoppers, pickpockets and chuggers made me nervous though, trying to avoid a group of Dutch tourists walking into me and snapping the neck off or somebody snatching my guitar from my hands before I got to use it. On my walk along Oxford Street I met Chris Chinchilla from Art Brut: http://artbrut.nikkidido.com/ and also saw Alan Yentob http://images.google.co.uk/images?q=alan+yentob&ie=ISO-8859-1&hl=en
I’ve sold myself for twelve hundred quid on E-bay to a man named Carl in West Yorkshire, he’s got a lovely house and I’m looking forward to the gig in his back garden.
Tonight – or this afternoon – I’m playing a set at The Pleasure Unit in Bethnal Green for the Tsunami charity, my first date with my new guitar, I hope it doesn’t explode.
More soon.
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MONORAIL...MONORAIL... |
posted by jim on 18/04/05
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APRIL 18 2005
Happy birthday Conan O’Brien, he wrote the Marge Vs The Monorail episode of The Simpsons which is one of my favourite Simpson eps. I might have said before but it’s birthday season round here, I went to a friend’s 50th party in Thornton Heath on Saturday, some of my family who I see way too little of were there, as was Les Bat who gave me a pair of shoes. People have been giving me a lot of free clobber recently, which is brilliant as I’m rubbish at shopping. I have a fear of looking shop assistants in the eye. When I was in the charts and on TV I could never buy records or clothes comfortably because I always thought that as soon as I’d paid and left, the people behind the counter would be saying to each other, “That was that bloke from Carter, he just bought a Take That album.” Not realising that I was perhaps buying it as a Christmas present for a small child or a gay friend. One of my friends works at HMV and I have since found out that the staff in record shops do indeed notice celebs and discuss their musical tastes, so my fears were not entirely baseless. It was much the same with clothes, I tend to shop where old men shop, in a sort of anti-fashion/old men are cool type of combination theory, places where I’m served by little old ladies who don’t know or care who I used to be. I’ve never really shaken this retail phobia off and so any free clothes are much appreciated, imagine my delight to see that the current highest bidder for my house gig on e-bay appears to be someone with a clothes shop, bingo.
On that subject, bids are over a thousand quid now for me to come round your house and sing a few songs and eat your biscuits. Who will it be and where? What biscuits? Etc.
I’m a big fan of Paula Radcliffe but I can’t help thinking that stopping for a piss during a race watched by millions might have been a mistake. I was late for my appearance on Andrew Collins’ show on the radio http://www.bbc.co.uk/6music/shows/andrew_collins/
because the buses were diverted around the London Marathon, the bus driver wouldn’t let me off because there were technically no bus stops for that particular route. I wasn’t too late though and got to discuss my spare time with Andrew, I don’t have a lot of hobbies, which considering how much free and spare time I have is a bit ungrateful of me. I talked about my toy collection and – not learning from Ken Livingstone’s Evening Standard error – I almost compared Alan Sugar to Hitler. The Hitler analogy has always been my comedy argument winner.
Things in Jim Bob world are going pretty well at the moment, the Dumber single has been on the radio a few times, the tour is selling well and people are offering me things instead of me begging for them for a change. I may have to buy a new guitar as my old one is falling apart and is buzzing like bees. Which brings me back to my retail fear and my biggest of all: music shops. Here’s how it works, I walk into a music shop, there probably aren’t any other customers there, just three shop assistants who are sitting around playing guitars and talking shop, they are all better guitarists than I’ll ever be and I don’t know any fancy riffs so it’s a bit embarrassing to have to sit there and strum in my ham fisted way in front of them. This is of course after they’ve stopped ignoring me completely, which is something people who work in guitar shops like to do. I know they probably just hate me because I’ve been on Top Of The Pops and play like a shaved monkey with boxing gloves on, while they play like Eric Clapton and Carlos Santana and yet have to work in a shop. I realise this is lazy stereotyping and I apologise. If anyone owns a guitar shop and wants to give me a brilliant acoustic guitar without me having to try it on in front of them then yes please that would be nice.
Watched bits of Channel 4’s top 100 albums of all time programme, who chose this order for God’s sake. Are Oasis and The Verve and Alanis Morrisette really better than The Beach Boys, is there any point to these endless lists, I speak as a fan of lists.
TV: Casanova, Derren Brown
Film: Finding Neverland
Over and out.
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BIRTHS DEATHS AND MARRIAGES |
posted by jim on 10/04/05
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Nothing happening really just thought I should check in.
The Pope died, I guess you noticed and Prince Charles got married. My favourite bit of the wedding was seeing the Royals get onboard coaches for the first time in their lives, they looked so excited, like kids at Alton Towers or Disneyland.
I haven’t been to a wedding for some time, I like a wedding. I have however been invited to a surprising number of birthday parties in the coming month or so. Everyone’s hitting forty and fifty and a couple of my younger friends are thirty. I’ve been invited to a birthday at a bowling alley and on a ship on the Thames.
The Mean Fiddler has been taken over by Clear Channel, without wishing to bite too deeply into the hand that will probably feed me at some point, oh my God. Does this mean Ronan Keating to headline Reading Festival and George Bush checking for lyrics that might mention Charles Darwin. IMAX cinemas have already stopped the showing of scientific related films in the US and they’re owned by some Clear Channel affiliate. If that’s not true don’t blame me I hear things and they get shuffled sometimes.
Music: More Bright Eyes I’m afraid, Beck (I hate it when people say, ‘a return to form..’ I heard the DJ in inverted commas in a record shop say that Beck’s new album was a return to form, the form of Odelay. The implication is that his stuff in between was rubbish, which is just so patently untrue.)
Books: Just started ‘Fullalove’ by some dude called Gordon Burn, don’t know what it’s about yet, I hope Gordon hurrys up and tells me a bit soon.
Film: I’m going to watch ‘Finding Neverland’ tonight, I’m a big Johnny Depp fan, I’m not gay but if I was etc…
And on that bombshell.
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COME OUTSIDE |
posted by jim on 23/03/05
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How do people do these relentless day after day blogs, not enough happens in my day to day to justify such self importance. I’ve got Razorlight’s album on at the moment, I really like this LP, I think it’s almost conceptual, as individual songs it maybe doesn’t cut as much of the mustard but as an entity in itself it’s effing superb. Not as good as Bright Eyes’ ‘I’m Wide awake It’s Morning’ though, which has at least for a while changed my life, expect plagiarism in the near future, we’ve already got the same haircut and I believe he used to go out with Winona Ryder and I used to fancy her.
Finally starting to remind myself of how some of my old songs go, in preparation for the May dates. In doing so I’ve realised what a great bunch of songs there are on the ‘J.R.’ album, why wasn’t that number one in every country?
I’ve been watching ‘The Games in training’ programme on Channel 4 at elevenish pm, it’s my favourite reality type celebrity show, it seems to have a point to it, they practice something, get good at it and then have a competition. No voting out or slagging each other off. Unlike that Coach Trip programme I’ve caught a bit of in the morning, what the fuck do we need with another programme encouraging stupid English stereotypes abroad for. Likewise that Apprentice programme, that Alan Sugar dude is a cock. Pointless, pointless nasty rubbish.
The sun came out and brought with it the noise of the neighbours. What’s wrong with talking to your family, why shout. I hate whoever invented the car stereo bass bin.
Along with the sunshine and the noisy neighbours comes the usual skin cancer scare. Any hope at enjoying the sunshine is buggered. Stay in, read a book. Go pale.
Apparently Prince William and Tom Parker Bowles will be witnesses to the royal marriage, Clarence House says, I don’t care. Who is this Clarence House dude? I think I might change my name to Clarence House. Hey there’s a thing, I might change my name for an album, that’s always good for a laugh.
Not many people in Britain know what Easter is. It’s Chocolate time isn’t it. Something to do with a big rabbit, some tiny yellow chicks and World War II P.O.W. escape movies.
If these things sometimes appear a bit miserable and self indulgent it’s probably because true to the old cliché, whenever I’m enjoying myself I’m too busy enjoying myself to write about it.
Good afternoon.
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I SHOULDN'T BE WRITING THIS |
posted by jim on 15/03/05
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I shouldn’t be writing this, I really shouldn’t.
I’m supposed to be writing a book and rehearsing songs for gigs in May.
It’s so easy to be distracted, I’ve tried to be disciplined but it hasn’t worked out. I want to be one of those get up at five in the morning, bake my own bread and go for a run, come home with the newspaper, have a read of it, make a big old breakfast and a bucket of coffee and then start working at eight am.
It hasn’t worked out.
My computer I’ve been writing on is attached to the internet which doesn’t help, I keep looking for new music to listen to that might inspire me or keep me company. I’ve just bought the ‘I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning’ album by that Bright Eyes dude, I’m listening to it now, it’s fucking great. A brilliant start to an album, I love that.
I keep checking my word count, is that a good way to write? What did Dickens and Shakespeare do before word count existed? Did they keep counting their words as they went along, did they employ someone to count their words for them, a medieval or Dickensian word count. It’s more like a long distance horse race sometimes, fifty per cent of the acceptable fences down. On my way to the acceptable amount of sentences to be called ‘book’.
Of course if I ever do finish it I’ll have to go through the indignity of finding somebody willing to print it and bind it in a nice cover and then if that happens there’s all the potential bad reviews and self doubt that brings.
I didn’t realise what I was letting myself in for when I announced that I’d be playing songs from all the Carter albums (apart from the last one that I don’t like much), I’ve now got to learn so many songs that I’ve either forgotten or never really knew how to play in the first place. And which ones work acoustically, a song like ‘Evil’ I hoped to do but it’s only really got one chord in it.
Discipline again. Get out the old albums and work through them. I couldn’t find a copy of ’30 Something’, at first, eventually I did. It’s terrible really that I don’t own some of my own stuff.
I scored 63 out of 70 in the national entertainment test on BBC on Saturday, which apparently puts me in the top 1 per cent of entertainment boffins in the country. I really need to get out more.
Back to work.
TV: Outlaws, Super Volcano
Music: Bright Eyes, The Dears, The Jam, The Only Ones
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I HOWARD HUGHDIUS |
posted by jim on 5/03/05
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I’ve been further practicing my Howard Hughesisms, that Aviator film is about me, I was bitterly disappointed it didn’t get the Oscar, although it might have done as I couldn’t watch the Oscs because they were only showing on Sky, I hate Rupert Murdoch. I rarely venture out from the warmth and safety of my house. I have an excuse as I’m pretending to be a writer, I don’t need to go anywhere or do anything. I did go to the theatre though, for the matinee performance of Don Carlos. From my seat a mile and a half away from the stage I could tell that it was a great play and the acting was superb, lots of people from telly in it: Derek Jacobi from I Claudius, the curly fella from Coupling, Una Stubbs from Till Death Us Do Part and some bloke who’s been in everything but I couldn’t name a single thing, you know the type of actor.
I’ve been dealing with the Carter mail orders while Leslie is in Oztralia watching cars go round in circles and doing the occasional Abdoujaparov gig
My crazy management decided it would be a great idea to perform a gig in somebody’s house, somebody who bid the highest on an auction on ebay, it starts in April, I hope it’s not a wealthy mentalist.
I need a new guitar but have an irrational – make that rational – fear of music shops and the people who work there. If only they sold guitars in Marks and Spencer.
I need exercise.
I’ve got my appointment for the hearing doctor in April, I’m getting used to functioning on one ear, I’d almost forgotten about it.
Music: Quite a bit of Elvis Costello lately
That Rufus Wainwright has me perplexed, I know I shouldn’t like the Thom York soundalike thing but the lyrics are really good, especially the song ‘Gay Messiah’ where he sings ‘I won’t be the one baptised in cum’ or something like that.
Films: Three for twenty quid: Adaptation, About Schmidt and the April one, can’t remember what it’s called and having seen it yet. The other two were great, I love Charlie Kaufman.
More soon.
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MY BIG BRIXTON WEEKEND |
posted by jim on 21/02/05
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“Jealousy, turning saints into the sea”
The Killers – 'Mr Brightside'
It’s not often that I – practically a voluntary housebound poor man’s Howard Hughes – leave the house for both nights of a weekend.
Saturday night I went to see the pop group The Killers at Brixton Academy. A proper sod the fire regulations sold out show. Gigs like this fill me with goosebumps and envy. Squillions of people singing and bouncing along with every word at Brixton’s Academy. For a second rock quote: “If I hadn’t seen such riches, I could live with being poor” (James – ‘Sit Down’) I used to love that singing and bouncing along with every word thing. I want it again but I’m old and pessimistic enough to know the zeitgeist whatever that is, is like lightning and doesn’t strike twice in the same place, unless it’s on a golf course.
So I content myself with enjoying the songs of The Killers, which are really fucking great. And feel a bit of jealousy and then go home. Oh yeah, I went into the guest bar, somewhere I haven’t been allowed for a few years, I saw The new The Killers – The Bravery, some other rock group looking people and Fearne Cotton and her friend Sarah Cawood.
Once more I curse the Hollywood legend and Austrian actress Hedy Lamarr for inventing spread spectrum technology, which aside from guiding various missiles into buildings is also the technology that makes the mobile phone so very possible. Doubling up as a camera for taking shitty out of focus pictures of rock groups in Brixton venues in front of my face. Thanks Hedy.
Sunday late afternoon into evening and night I was back in Brixton for a Tsunami benefit at the Windmill. I played as did Abdoujaparov, Rhesus (featuring Jim Geldof Rhesus, the man largely responsible for a whole week of benefits), Ciccone and Barrel. There aren’t many people onstage who haven’t at some point played with Abdoujaparov: Ben plays drums with Barrel and Abdoujaparov, Richy Cockfosters plays guitar with Barrel and Abdou, Andy Duke sings with Barrel and used to play bass with Abdou, Ciccone bass player Danny is bass player with Abdou, Ciccone drummer Damo played drums on the jap’s new single, Rhesus drummer Arran J Lovechild played drums with Abdou, I once played guitar with Abdou.
It was a great evening. I feel I have now purged myself of my hated Bloomsbury Theatre show with my first gig since that day outside Greece.
Three quarters of Jim’s Super Stereoworld were present, the reunion begins.
Films: The Village, Ron Burgundy – Anchorman, About Scmidt
Book: Started yet another Chuck Palahniuk book, ‘Lullaby’ and have realised I shouldn’t discuss what I’m reading or listening to as I’ve just found out Chuck’s next book is a genre busting work that busts similar genres as the thing I’m attempting to write myself. Everyone will call me a plagiarist.
Music: The Dears – No Cities Left.
I watched the NME Awards and have decided I like The Kaiser Chiefs best.
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MISTER SPOONS WANTS A BLOG |
posted by jim on 15/02/05
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Not a lot to speak of in the world of me. Been writing, been recording. Finished the Dumb And Dumber single to release it seems to coincide with the general election. Vote for me. Buy my single. Expect that kind of quarter arsed marketing in the coming months. There’s a great punk version of live favourite (well it’s mine anyway) Song For My Friends on the B-side of the CD – however that works. The management’s family says it sounds like the Libertines, I find it hard to hide my influences I’m afraid.
Written a fair bit of what would maybe make a book someday, started editing some of it and realised it needed it. More on that soon. It’s an old cliché, but the fine line between writing and browsing the web, making coffee, replying to emails, hoping somebody rings with some gossip, that fine line is getting finer by the day.
Got involved in a web argument about whether Thatcher dropping down dead was a good or bad thing, worthy of a party or not worthy of a party. I haven’t been to a party for ages.
Books: Still reading Invisible Monsters – Chuck Palahniuk, I’m a notoriously slow bedtime reader, I keep falling asleep. The time it takes me to drop off when I’m reading is perhaps a good indication of the quality of the book on my pillow. Actually Chuck keeps me up quite late.
I’m going to see the Killers in Brixton at the weekend and then playing a few songs in the same town myself at a Tsunami benefit the following day. It’s a tour!
Crossed something off my new year resolution to do list by going to the doctors so she could root around in my ear with a torch. She was perplexed as to what’s wrong with me. I know myself of course because I’ve found it on the www. But you can’t self diagnose in front of the qualified, it really pisses them off. I await an appointment at the earhole, nose and throat. Hopefully before my ears drop off. More soon. Or perhaps later considering the ongoing decline of the NHS. Vote for me.
Music: still re-buying my old records on CD: Talking Heads ‘77’ – The Jam ‘All Mod Cons’ Just ordered the Dears
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